I’ve recently been thinking about the meaning of being important, and I have settled on the idea that in an ideal world, everyone is equally important but in different ways. But our world is very far from this ideal, of course.  

In the real world, the notion of ‘being important’ might lead to one of the most pernicious addictions of all. The natural desire to be important to others can lead parents to hang on to their children and not let them grow up. It can lead therapists and case managers to hang on to people they are helping longer than needed. It can lead politicians to hold onto a political office past the expiration date of any meaningful contribution. It can lead musicians to try to keep entertaining when they should leave the stage for others. It can lead inventors and innovators to hang onto control of their products when they need to be released to the world. It can lead to the control of intellectual property that ends up making it essentially inaccessible.

A distinctive characteristic of the culture of the United States is that it is a ‘celebrity’ culture.  People are deemed ‘important’ because they appear on television or social media.   This aspect of our culture can work against the idea that we are all important and teach our children that some people are more important than others for literally superficial reasons.

So how do we manage the challenge of an ‘addiction’ to importance?  

First and foremost, we can know in our hearts that each of us is important. You are important.  I am important.  We are important.   You do not need to be treated as if you are important to have the self-confidence to know that you have a place in the world—you are already important.  Relying only on others for our sense of this fundamental need sets each of us up for this subtle addiction.

Second, we can focus on interdependence rather than hierarchical relationships.  Inter-dependency requires that all people in the relationship are equally important.   It does not require that people are unimportant—quite the opposite, actually.

Third, we can embrace the Ericksonian concept of generativity or the Buddhist concept of Mudita. We can find our importance in the success and joy of others.